The Island (2005, probably)
(Christian’s Note: I didn’t want to Google this movie because I like not remembering it at all. Seriously, I can’t even be sure this is a real movie. So I drew my own movie poster for it. You’re welcome.)
Written by: Siân
Last Time I Saw It: 2005? Maybe? Sure.
Okay, so there’s an island. Yup. And this guy lives on the island. Oh, crap. Who was it? I keep wanting to say Jude Law, but he was probably hanging out on Johnny Depp’s island at the time because, let’s be serious, that sounds like a lot more fun. Um. Hm. It was a male actor. And he was pretty studly, even though that apparently isn’t a word. OH. Ewan McGregor? Ewan, is that you? Well, it is now.
Right, so let’s get back to the island. Ewan’s character lives there. It’s all super rad and sci-fi like, so let’s give him a sci-fi name. Charles. Okay, so Charles is just chillin’ on this futuristic island. Life is good: he has a job, everything is very white, he wears a sweet jumpsuit, and has all the Tang and Dippin’ Dots he could ever want. He also has a sexy lady friend, played by Scarlett Johansson. I obviously remember her in this movie immediately because boobs. She also has a super sci-fi name: Kim. But, Kim, she isn’t content with living her perfect life in her perfectly fitted jumpsuit. She thinks it’s way too perfect. And, let’s face it: a world full of an unlimited supply of The Ice Cream Of The Future? Yeah, I’d be suspicious too.
She convinces Charles that he should be just as creeped out about the perfect Island as she is. I mean, isn’t it strange that their friend, Bob, all of the sudden “won” a trip to “another island”? And he’s never coming back? It’s totally weird, especially since he’d never entered any contests in his life. At least, that’s what he was shouting when they dragged him off for his trip. Charles and Kim do some more snooping and uncover some science things. The science things convince them that they should leave the Island, so they leave. It’s probably not as easy as that. The Island security chased them for a bit, I’m sure. Maybe someone even died. And super futuristic guns were fired, I’m sure. And buildings exploded. A lot of buildings, because Michael Bay. But Kim and Charles managed to stay alive and make it to the outside. And, guess what, it’s the real world! Yeah, like the one we’re living in now. Yes, the shitty one.
Kim and Charles realize they stand out in their pristine, matching jumpsuits, so they hit up the nearest JC Penny to get some real-world clothes. While they’re out on the street searching for some Dippin’ Dots, Kim passes a giant perfume ad with her face plastered on it. She’s confused, because she’s pretty certain if she was going to hock any perfume brand it would totally be Burberry and not Calvin Klein. Duh. Kim and Charles venture out to the desert. Oh, and they’re still being chased. And buildings are still exploding. They hide in a diner or abandoned motel or something and guess what: Steve Buscemi is there! That’s nice. He helps them out, but then he dies. Or maybe he explodes. Yeah, that’s more dramatic.
Somehow, during all of this, Kim and Charles figure out that they aren’t real people at all, which is the whole point of the movie. They’re just clones of super rich people living in the real world. And when those super rich people have need of their organs or whatever, they get harvested. The Island is just a holding zone for all of the clones, not the perfect world after all. Kim is slightly comforted because she knew that she would never have signed a deal with Calvin Klein (please), but also sad because she’s a clone of someone who would sign a deal with Calvin Klein. She doesn’t cry, because there is no crying in baseball and also I am pretty sure clones can’t cry anyway.
And then, there is some sort of climax to the movie. Except I don’t know what. I feel like there were more explosions. But I’m sure Kim and Charles live happily ever after and he finally gets some.
That’s probably ‘The Island’.